Tuesday, April 21, 2009
This was supposed to be published a long time ago but somehow it wasnt
this isnt how it was supposed to be
surrounded by shadows of things I cant see
im not the person I was meant to be
unchain my hands and set me free

living in half truths and lies
watching the soul wither and die
as the clock ticks im filled with sighs
feeling the tears fall as I cry

life has taken a different course
lead by an unknown force
screams escape me until I am hoarse
im here searching for the source

standing on a ledge ready to break
trying to decide which choice to make
two words is all it would take
to relieve the heart ache

thinking about an endless sleep
Im ready to take the last leap
I feel the tears my family will weep
but the pain is just to deep

through the darkness comes a hand
offering to carry me back to dry land
I hear the trumpets in the band
for it is time to take a stand

I need to love me for me
to become the person I want to be
and then a last I can be free
and through this I make my own guarantee
posted by An attempt at life... at 5:13 PM - 0 comments
Monday, April 20, 2009
What do these words mean to you?
Music:
A way for people to express the feelings that they cant say to people. Something that takes you over and makes you feel like the song is part of you. No matter what you are feeling there is a song that can match it. Music can take you into its arms and cradle you through all of lifes events.

Family:
The people that will always love you no matter the mistakes you make. People you can love and except for who they are and no matter what they do you still love them deep down even though you may feel like you hate them. No matter how many times they let you down or hurt you, you will always be there for them. They are the people you can turn to in your darkest moments.

Art:
I have a great appreciation for art. I wish that I could paint and draw... I feel that if I could I would be able to deal with the emotions that I have in better ways. I have always fantasized about being able to express my self on canvas. I have so much respect for artists!

Theatre:
One of my greatest escapes during high school. I love the stress that comes with throwing yourself into a show. I get such feeling of accomplishment when a show closes. I love going to live theatre more than anything thing sometimes. I wish that I would go to more shows to support the cast and crew. I am a firm believer in dressing up when going to see a show no matter where it is... it shows a respect to the cast and crew.

Friendship-
Friendship has its ups and downs. I have been in some amazing friendships that have ended very badly but I will never forget those friends and the experiences I had. I treat my friends like family I put my heart and soul into them and even if they dont stay for very long its all worth it.

Love:
Comes in so many different forms. It is a wonderful feeling that can lift you up and drag you into the gutter. Its always a risk but well worth it. There isnt enough love in the world and I wish people could see that.

Women:
This is a hard one... women can be good and evil like so many other things. I dont like the games that women play and try not to play them myself.

Men:
Also a hard one... men... what to say? I will just leave this blank...

History:
One of my greatest passions. I do not feel at home in this current time period. It is everything I hate. When I do reenacting or ren faires I finally feel a sense of home. There is such a deep appreciation for more things in different times. I love learning random facts about life... I could care less about wars and such although sometimes they are interesting. What I care about is the culture and way of life in different walks of life.

Movies:
A great way for the masses to see art.

Sunshine:
Beautiful! I love feeling the sun on my skin its refreshing but not always what I need.

Rain:
AHHHHHH! I love rain, water is not my sign but it should be! I love getting caught in the rain its so cleansing. The only thing better than rain is adding thunder and lightning into the mix... I feel like I actually come alive during a storm.

Books:
My escape from reality.... its as necessary as air, water, and food for me. I had a friend once who told me I was the most amusing and interesting while I was reading a book. The amount of emotion that crossed my face was astonishing... ok then...
posted by An attempt at life... at 12:43 PM - 0 comments
Monday, April 6, 2009
Spiraling down a never ending tunnel...
I have gotten my self into a situation and feel as if it might be spiraling out of control. What was I thinking? I am having fun and doing what I really want for the first time in my life and I dont care what other people think of it... so I tell myself. I cant seem to not worry about what people think its one of the hardest things for me. Im always trying to please people and I love when I can but sometimes its torture. I know the things that people are telling me are true because that is what my head is screaming at me. But my heart is saying dont listen, do what you want no matter the consequences. I am secretly enjoying the struggle that is running through me its like a powerful storm raging. I havent felt this stimulated in so long but this is so bitter sweet. I know in the end I am going to be left mangled and bloody but I feel like it will be worth it. I am so used to letting people walk all over me that this is no different. I can use you too you just wont realize its happening. Yes I can be a conniving bitch and she will always be buried deep inside me locked behind a thousand doors but every once in a while she is clever enough to escape or someone comes along with the right key and then devastation begins and I am taken over by a women I dont know but secretly revel in. Should we live for the "what if" moments? Is it realistic will they ever come true? I dont hold out much hope. The last week I hid this problem under the doormat but guess what.... I threw the doormat away this morning with out even realizing it. I want it back, I dont want to feel through my heart just through my senses. I emotionally detached myself and thought it was working, well obviously not. The weird thing is I am not feeling jealous because I have put on the armour and prepared for battle. Its all inevitable... it always is and there is no trap door to exit from the stage that this has all played out on. So step into the light and take a bow and move onto the next performance.
posted by An attempt at life... at 12:21 PM - 0 comments
About Me
Name: An attempt at life...
Home: Portland, Oregon
About Me: I am a very easy going person and I love the beauty in life. I love to stop and smell the roses so to speak and wish I lived in a culture where that was more important. I love to laugh and have a good time!
See my profile...

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