Life is obstinate and clings closest where it is most hated

Monday, April 6, 2009

I have gotten my self into a situation and feel as if it might be spiraling out of control. What was I thinking? I am having fun and doing what I really want for the first time in my life and I dont care what other people think of it... so I tell myself. I cant seem to not worry about what people think its one of the hardest things for me. Im always trying to please people and I love when I can but sometimes its torture. I know the things that people are telling me are true because that is what my head is screaming at me. But my heart is saying dont listen, do what you want no matter the consequences. I am secretly enjoying the struggle that is running through me its like a powerful storm raging. I havent felt this stimulated in so long but this is so bitter sweet. I know in the end I am going to be left mangled and bloody but I feel like it will be worth it. I am so used to letting people walk all over me that this is no different. I can use you too you just wont realize its happening. Yes I can be a conniving bitch and she will always be buried deep inside me locked behind a thousand doors but every once in a while she is clever enough to escape or someone comes along with the right key and then devastation begins and I am taken over by a women I dont know but secretly revel in. Should we live for the "what if" moments? Is it realistic will they ever come true? I dont hold out much hope. The last week I hid this problem under the doormat but guess what.... I threw the doormat away this morning with out even realizing it. I want it back, I dont want to feel through my heart just through my senses. I emotionally detached myself and thought it was working, well obviously not. The weird thing is I am not feeling jealous because I have put on the armour and prepared for battle. Its all inevitable... it always is and there is no trap door to exit from the stage that this has all played out on. So step into the light and take a bow and move onto the next performance.

posted by An attempt at life... at 12:21 PM -

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