Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Stumbled across this bit of writing from a long time ago I never put up...
Sitting in the midst of beauty you stop and wonder where it all went wrong. Life moves so fast making us forget to stop and absorb the peaceful surrender of nature. The water ripples and the crickets play a mournful song. The sky opens its heart and weeps sorrowful tears into the earth. The ground welcomes it with open arms for through pain beauty emerges welcoming a new kind of life. Nothing is wasted in nature it’s a balance of life and death. If we could only embrace its offerings we would be wrapped up in the arms of the earth and protected from the ever present slavery to a society of nothingness.
posted by An attempt at life... at 8:31 PM - 0 comments
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Missing the Romance

I miss romance. I miss passion. Two things that are such a huge part of who I am. The best ways for me to express myself. Both are lacking. Everything is responsibility and I feel like I have been married for 15 years instead of in a young relationship. We skipped the fun part. I guess that's what happens when you fall deeply in love with a man with children. He isn't a romantic man and he isn't passionate. But it is the most honest and healthy relationship I have ever been in. I don't regret it but sometimes I feel like I need to explode. To be ravished, to be romanced, to invoke beautiful and lovely words. I want to marry this man. He means the world to me. I couldn't imagine living with out him. But that doesn't mean that sometimes things aren't missing. It doesn't take money just some thought and creativity. Just a gesture. A forehead kiss. An embrace. A little note. Being pushed up against a wall. A flower. An adventure. Candles. A word. Is it so much to ask for?

So I guess when I am needing a little something I can go back and read these pieces that were written about me or I was inspiration for. Sometimes I miss those days.


The Poet and The Courtesan

The Poet and The Courtesan faced the world together,
The forces of society arrayed against them forever,
Separated by oceans and mountain heights,
Battered by ancient pains and imagined slights,
They pledged themselves each to the other,
And set off to find their own home.

The Poet and The Courtesan travelled the foreign lands,
Faced polar winds and shifting sahara sands,
The Poet romanced The Courtesan on the high seas,
She danced for him under shimmering green arcadian trees
Inspired The Poet sat and sang along,
Of Love and Hate, this was his song.

"Oh run away with me, my dear,
Show me love is stronger than fear,
Rescue me from suffocating mediocrity,
Slipping into patronising hypocrisy,
Save me from the worst part of me,
Oh darling, run away with me."

The Poet and The Courtesan glimpsed the sun born again,
Witnessed the Phoenix rise from ashes and the pain,
Got lost in the labyrinth with a lonely minotaur,
Scaled mountain peaks where the golden eagles soar,
Inspired The Poet began to sing along,
Of Love and Hate, this was the song.

"Oh run away with me, my dear,
Show me love is stronger than fear,
Rescue me from suffocating mediocrity,
Slipping into patronising hypocrisy,
Save me from the worst part of me,
Oh darling, run away with me."

The Poet and The Courtesan opened a teashop in the countryside,
Filled with worldly memories far and wide,
With refrains The Poet entertains the passing guests,
With passion The Courtesan does fashion food as he rests.

"Oh run away with me, my dear,
Show me love is stronger than fear,
Rescue me from suffocating mediocrity,
Slipping into patronising hypocrisy,
Save me from the worst part of me,
Oh darling, run away with me."

And from another-
 I love you.

I should have said it earlier. I should have said it when you said it to me that night (if indeed that was what you said and not some trick of my imagination). I wasn't sure I heard you right, and I'm still not. And even if I had been sure, I probably would have been afraid to say it back. I didn't know if what I was feeling was love. I wasn't sure of it until you told me we couldn't be together. I honestly meant it when I said I would be okay with it if your answer was no. Or at least I thought I did - I didn't expect to feel like someone had stolen the air from my lungs. And I didn't expect to still be unable to catch my breath this long after the fact. But by that time it would have been inappropriate to say all this to you. Of course, it still is inappropriate. But, gods damn it, it's the truth, and I need to say it more than I need to pretend that I care what is appropriate.

I love your eyes - mysterious and deep as the ocean. I love how they gleam like sunlight reflecting off the water when you grin. I want to drown in your eyes. And your smile! I never knew that such sweetness and such mischief could coexist, and all in the space of a moment. I love your kindness. I love the fact that there doesn't seem to be a judgmental bone in your body. I love your creativity - I want so badly to taste your cooking, and I love your beautiful dresses. I love your poetry - not just that which you formally call poetry, but the poetry in every word you speak or write. You have a gift for language - you are a born poet. I love your silver laughter. I love the fluid, graceful way that you always seem to move. I love your connection with nature. I love the fact that music can move you to tears. I love the fact that you walk in the rain with no umbrella. I love your spontaneity, how I never know what you are going to do next. I love your sense of humor and the fact that you aren't afraid to be silly. I love the fact that you seem to understand things about me that no one else ever has. I love how, when we were open with each other, we seemed able to read each others' minds sometimes. Or, more to the point, we were both thinking the same things at the same time. If that's not chemistry, if there's no spark in any of that, then I don't know what love is.
posted by An attempt at life... at 8:32 PM - 0 comments
Thursday, April 7, 2011
I hate this life. I feel trapped. I feel fake. I feel like a puppet. I feel useless. I feel alone.
posted by An attempt at life... at 9:01 PM - 0 comments
Monday, January 31, 2011
I hear the voices of my loved ones through the fog. Every time I reach for them all I find is emptiness. Teasing me with love and warmth and yet leaving me alone and empty. Closed off from everything good and left naked to the cruelty and hurt in the world. Memories and feelings that eat away at my hope. Dragging me further and further down that dark road. I am screaming for help but the words never make it out from between my lips. Begging for mercy. But the fog senses its long lost friend in me. The darkness that has been hidden deep inside that is whispering its haunting seductive song. It wants to be free to eat away at all of my defenses. Turning them against me. Each day the fog creeps closer and closer until its all I can breathe. Each breath poisoning me against myself. Eating away at my strength. Searching for my weaknesses. Feeding the doubts and insecurities until there is nothing to fight back. The darkness breaks free drowning me. Turning everything black until there is no will nor desire to fight. Silence descends and there she reigns.
posted by An attempt at life... at 10:34 PM - 0 comments
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Who Am I?
Who am I? That is a hard one for me to define. I am not defined by the things I do or say but the way I feel. I am not a writer. No matter how hard I try I can never transfer my feelings and thoughts from my head to a piece of paper. They lose power and passion somewhere in between.

I am someone who lives in a time and place that doesn't suit me. I don't think I will ever fully know who I am for I am constantly changing. Things that will never leave me are my passion for the things I love as well as the strength to make it through anything life puts in front of me. I am full of weaknesses and imperfections. But I embrace those. I prefer people that do as well. No one is perfect. Where is the fun in that?

I dream about being a mother. It may seem silly but it is my greatest goal in life.

I have a fear of being a failure in life and at times I am kept up at night thinking of ways to make the things I want happen. To be honest all I really want to do with this life is do something I am passionate about. I don't need to make a lot of money or own a lot of things. I need my family and friends and to constantly have challenges and people pushing my limits. I don't want life to be easy. I want to deserve my life and the people in it. I don't value the same things that most people do.

I am me.
posted by An attempt at life... at 6:36 PM - 0 comments
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Losing Hope
How is it possible to feel something so strongly for someone when you have spent only a handful of days with them. My whole life has been spent waiting for the men in my life to do something to hurt me... its a disease but every time I go to give it another shot it happens again. Maybe its just not meant to happen. Is it impossible for me to have a healthy relationship of any kind with a man? I doubt it more and more every day. I feel like I am losing hope and am reaching out trying to hold it tight against me but every time I do so it slips further and further away. God damnit!
posted by An attempt at life... at 1:05 AM - 0 comments
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Escape, Fear, Desire, Tired, Love
I escape through....
working with my hands

I fear....
never being a mother
losing the ones I love
disappointing people
not being able to find joy in the small things
talking life for granted
letting go
losing control

I desire...
a family
doing something I love for a living
to be a better person

Im tired...
of a life that keeps on failing
of being broken
of body image issues
of not being accepted
of trying to be someone I am not
of pretending to be who you want me to be
of failing to live up to expectations
of hiding
of not being able to let go of the past
of hoping for a father
of not being able to lose control
of keeping my anger inside
of people telling me its not that bad
of feeling guilty
of acting like everything is ok
of tears
of seeing people hurting because of me
of selfish people
of people who think they are better than everyone else
of not being able to express and partake in my two greatest passions
of not being able to find my voice
of being nice
of forgiving you when you dont deserve it
of people pushing their ideas and beliefs on others
of putting up with bullshit
of lies
of half truths
of hearing what you think I want to hear
of not accepting myself
of feeling useless
of not being able to take compliments
of people being quick to judge

I love....
the smell of rain
my family
my friends
the sky
the imagination
posted by An attempt at life... at 2:17 PM - 1 comments
About Me
Name: An attempt at life...
Home: Portland, Oregon
About Me: I am a very easy going person and I love the beauty in life. I love to stop and smell the roses so to speak and wish I lived in a culture where that was more important. I love to laugh and have a good time!
See my profile...

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