Life is obstinate and clings closest where it is most hated

Sunday, June 24, 2012

I miss romance. I miss passion. Two things that are such a huge part of who I am. The best ways for me to express myself. Both are lacking. Everything is responsibility and I feel like I have been married for 15 years instead of in a young relationship. We skipped the fun part. I guess that's what happens when you fall deeply in love with a man with children. He isn't a romantic man and he isn't passionate. But it is the most honest and healthy relationship I have ever been in. I don't regret it but sometimes I feel like I need to explode. To be ravished, to be romanced, to invoke beautiful and lovely words. I want to marry this man. He means the world to me. I couldn't imagine living with out him. But that doesn't mean that sometimes things aren't missing. It doesn't take money just some thought and creativity. Just a gesture. A forehead kiss. An embrace. A little note. Being pushed up against a wall. A flower. An adventure. Candles. A word. Is it so much to ask for?

So I guess when I am needing a little something I can go back and read these pieces that were written about me or I was inspiration for. Sometimes I miss those days.

The Poet and The Courtesan

The Poet and The Courtesan faced the world together,
The forces of society arrayed against them forever,
Separated by oceans and mountain heights,
Battered by ancient pains and imagined slights,
They pledged themselves each to the other,
And set off to find their own home.

The Poet and The Courtesan travelled the foreign lands,
Faced polar winds and shifting sahara sands,
The Poet romanced The Courtesan on the high seas,
She danced for him under shimmering green arcadian trees
Inspired The Poet sat and sang along,
Of Love and Hate, this was his song.

"Oh run away with me, my dear,
Show me love is stronger than fear,
Rescue me from suffocating mediocrity,
Slipping into patronising hypocrisy,
Save me from the worst part of me,
Oh darling, run away with me."

The Poet and The Courtesan glimpsed the sun born again,
Witnessed the Phoenix rise from ashes and the pain,
Got lost in the labyrinth with a lonely minotaur,
Scaled mountain peaks where the golden eagles soar,
Inspired The Poet began to sing along,
Of Love and Hate, this was the song.

"Oh run away with me, my dear,
Show me love is stronger than fear,
Rescue me from suffocating mediocrity,
Slipping into patronising hypocrisy,
Save me from the worst part of me,
Oh darling, run away with me."

The Poet and The Courtesan opened a teashop in the countryside,
Filled with worldly memories far and wide,
With refrains The Poet entertains the passing guests,
With passion The Courtesan does fashion food as he rests.

"Oh run away with me, my dear,
Show me love is stronger than fear,
Rescue me from suffocating mediocrity,
Slipping into patronising hypocrisy,
Save me from the worst part of me,
Oh darling, run away with me."

And from another-
I love you.

I should have said it earlier. I should have said it when you said it to me that night (if indeed that was what you said and not some trick of my imagination). I wasn't sure I heard you right, and I'm still not. And even if I had been sure, I probably would have been afraid to say it back. I didn't know if what I was feeling was love. I wasn't sure of it until you told me we couldn't be together. I honestly meant it when I said I would be okay with it if your answer was no. Or at least I thought I did - I didn't expect to feel like someone had stolen the air from my lungs. And I didn't expect to still be unable to catch my breath this long after the fact. But by that time it would have been inappropriate to say all this to you. Of course, it still is inappropriate. But, gods damn it, it's the truth, and I need to say it more than I need to pretend that I care what is appropriate.

I love your eyes - mysterious and deep as the ocean. I love how they gleam like sunlight reflecting off the water when you grin. I want to drown in your eyes. And your smile! I never knew that such sweetness and such mischief could coexist, and all in the space of a moment. I love your kindness. I love the fact that there doesn't seem to be a judgmental bone in your body. I love your creativity - I want so badly to taste your cooking, and I love your beautiful dresses. I love your poetry - not just that which you formally call poetry, but the poetry in every word you speak or write. You have a gift for language - you are a born poet. I love your silver laughter. I love the fluid, graceful way that you always seem to move. I love your connection with nature. I love the fact that music can move you to tears. I love the fact that you walk in the rain with no umbrella. I love your spontaneity, how I never know what you are going to do next. I love your sense of humor and the fact that you aren't afraid to be silly. I love the fact that you seem to understand things about me that no one else ever has. I love how, when we were open with each other, we seemed able to read each others' minds sometimes. Or, more to the point, we were both thinking the same things at the same time. If that's not chemistry, if there's no spark in any of that, then I don't know what love is.

posted by An attempt at life... at 8:32 PM -

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